Have you ever felt deeper emotions for unsurfaced reasons in certain seasons than in other seasons the same thing can happen when you feel absolutely fine? It's like what the heck is going on with me...
I'm gonna be real honest with you-- I've been feeling antsy with my present life. I wanna travel badly, but I also want to be married. Something those desires are neck and neck if it were a race. I know I've had these desires eating at me a little bit over the years, but lately, I feel like the desires are winning. I trust Jesus, but sometimes I may be led too much by my emotions. I can't tell you how much I've wept over just simply comparing my life to at least 6 of my friends who I can recall that have started dating or talking to a guy in the last two weeks... I didn't expect or plan to be in this place.
Do you ever feel stuck, but you feel that it is God's will for your life to keep your hands open and free-and life keeps happening to you? I feel defenseless with the circumstances, but fall on my face before the King because it is all that I know to do. I only want what He wants and in the way that He wants it...which is hard to admit at times, but it's true.
Dear future self, I know you will look back on this season of your life and be grateful that I stayed faithful. It didn't matter how much I cried or grabbed my tear jar (praying that Jesus would catch my tears so I can pour them out on Him like a fragrant offering). It mattered that I kept showing up. It mattered that I stopped letting comparison lead me. It mattered that I fell into Jesus' arms when I felt lonely. It mattered that I found comfort in true and righteous sources when I was in need.
Married or not. Well-traveled or not. I am a girl after God's own heart, set apart and righteous before him. Lover of God. I pray that no matter who I engage with or what I do, it would glorify God while not moving from this place of sincere and loving devotion to Jesus Christ.
I was in my car tonight, weeping. I kept thinking about how I felt so lonely. I want to just go somewhere, but I know it won't fix anything. I remembered that earlier, God reminded me that He will bless what I put my hands to...and how important it was to not pick up anything extra. How good and terrible, I thought. But He gives me what I need, but keeps close the desires of my heart because He loves me. I began to confess that the love of God is powerful. The love that Jesus displayed on the cross can cure anything. He can cure my confusing yet very present loneliness. He can bring peace that goes beyond my understanding. He can be my hope not in what I want exactly, but hope in the movement of the story that He is writing. He can be my reminder that I am a treasure to others as they are to me -even if I haven't heard this within the walls of an exclusive type of relationship.
If anyone resonates with this, I think what I want to hear and also want you to know is that the most profound growth in life will happen in unlikely places. I believe being faithful and consistent in your relationship with God, your relationship with the Church, your finances, your investments, and self-care will lead to great growth in His Kingdom. As we know, His Kingdom is not like this world so when He blesses us with the harvest...the harvest will be better than we think or imagine because it reflects the Kingdom it originated from. Dear friend, trust God will provide in the best ways that give Him glory. And even if you have a story of suffering like James (Jesus' brother)- count at all joy because today lasts a short while. You will make it through. After all, this life isn't about us but it is a good one... I dare you, make it count. Jesus is the cure for our suffering.
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