She said, " I am so unworthy- so in need"
He said, "Yet you are so lovely!"
She replied, " I feel as dark and dry as the desert tents
of the wandering nomads."
Then He said again, " Yet you are so lovely-
like the fine linen tapestry in the Holy Place.
She continued..."Please don’t stare in scorn
because of my dark and sinful ways.
My angry brothers quarreled with me
and appointed me guardian of their ministry vineyards,
yet I’ve not tended my vineyard within.
Won’t you tell me, lover of my soul,
where do you feed your flock?
Where do you lead your beloved ones
to rest in the heat of the day?
Why should I be like a veiled woman
as I wander among the flocks of your shepherds?"
The Shephard-King turned and said,
"Listen, my radiant one—
if you ever lose sight of me,
just follow in my footsteps where I lead my lovers.
Come with your burdens and cares.
Come to the place near the sanctuary of my shepherds.
My dearest one,
let me tell you how I see you—
you are so thrilling to me.
To gaze upon you is like looking
at one of Pharaoh’s finest horses —
a strong, regal steed pulling his royal chariot.
Your tender cheeks are beautiful —
your earrings and gem-laden necklaces
set them ablaze.
We will enhance your beauty,
with golden ornaments studded with silver."
As the king surrounded me at his table,
the sweet fragrance of spikenard
awakened the night.
A sachet of myrrh is my lover,
like a tied-up bundle of myrrh resting over my heart.
He is like a bouquet of henna blossoms—
henna plucked near the vines at the fountain of the Lamb.
I will hold him and never let him part.
"My darling,
you are so lovely!
You are beauty itself to me.
Your passionate eyes are like gentle doves."
"My beloved one,
both handsome and winsome,
you are pleasing beyond words.
Our resting place is anointed and flourishing,
like a green forest meadow bathed in light.
Rafters of cedar branches are over our heads
and balconies of pleasant-smelling pines."
-Song of Solomon 1:5-17
Dear Jesus, I thank you for all of those that are drawn to these words tonight. I pray that we would experience you in these words. You see beauty at its finest within the darkness that comes scratching at the door and attempts to claim our lives.
Jesus, you are my all in all. Your it. My quest ends with you...you right here in my bedroom speaking sweet somethings to me, you declaring your love at the cross, you vindicating for all Jews and Gentiles, you being an obedient lover of the Father. You are worthy to be my all in all.
I recently endured a severe mental health attack at its finest. I think mental health is important, but life sometimes pushes us to move fast where we diminish what is really happening until it like slaps us right in the face. I guess that's what happened. Often it takes me a while to understand what is happening or even if what I am dealing with is normal. My story I've been told could have passed as a fictional book or a very entertaining movie. The plot could engage people, Christian or not. I was called to be strong at a young age but with that as an adult- my tendency to be strong butts up against stuffing things that need to surface. Mental health is a battle that must be fought with the transformative power and grace of the Holy Spirit. I believe it cannot be fought alone, in the dark, or without Jesus.
The night when everything came to it- I was holding on as hard as I could & believed God was good. And if I just held on, God would bring a breakthrough of some kind soon. I grabbed my tear jar and fell asleep to the IHOP 24/7 YouTube live stream. You may be wondering what is this tear jar, I've read this but what do you mean? Well...about a year ago. I heard a teaching in the historical-cultural context of the Bible- regarding the woman against the wall in Simon's house. She was neglected and shamed as a woman due to the times and culture. People of honor ate together near the table, but people of shame stood or sat against the wall. The story showed that she knew she was sinful and that Jesus was a holy man, pure and spotless, but she came with a jar of perfume... It says, "she came behind him weeping, wetting His feet with her tears. She wiped them with her hair and poured perfume on them."
Now just to go over the facts, this is a sinful woman. She would've been aware of the meaning of tear jars...they would fill up their tear jars in expectance of the Son of Man. Theologians say that she came with two jars that night. A jar of perfume like it says and a tear jar to pour out on Him. Then she dried his feet with her hair (women's hair in their culture is their glory, their honor). She was shamed by her society, but what was left was her hair which she gave to Jesus. And the perfume, if she was shamed by her community then that perfume was her last straw so to speak. It was most likely very expensive, but she believed Jesus was worth it. I've always believed that by having my ceramic tear jar, I could fill up this jar or imagine that all my tears filled it up so I could pour it out on Jesus. And Jesus alone would be my harvest...a harvest of tears where I wouldn't be filled with shame or doubt or fear or even depression or tempted with suicide- I would be filled with the Holy Spirit, passion, contentment, purpose, love, joy, peace for myself and others.
It's like holding the tear jar- it calls on the Gospel to be enacted in my despair because I believe it is true and real. And the key to everything is in the trinity -the Father who sent His Son to die just so I might live, the Son who died and lives in love for me, and the Holy Spirit who leads me into their love. Who am I to stay stuck in tragic thoughts, emotions, and actions when God gives me life?
And if I'm speaking to someone who is wondering if they should take their life...Ask yourself- who would miss you? Is it God's desire for you to go now? And even if it was, do you think the way you would end your life is the same as how He would take your life? Something that I was reminded of in my moment was that I belong to Jesus- everything, my heart, soul, mind, body, and spirit. I am not my own and if you believe in Jesus- you are His too. Truly, God gives and takes. God gives and takes. He gives life and takes life, but does so in a way that will bring Him glory. He is a good Father. And I remembered that if I were to die, I would rather die in God's will rather than my own. It was a hard night, but this truth was enough for me. Thank you Holy Spirit for staying with me through the night and every moment since.
In this, I realize that God is jealous of me. All of me. Every bit. Forever. I don't know how I got so far into these dark thoughts without realizing it until the midnight hour, but I know God is my remedy to not go there again. I questioned it before but now I'm certain that it is better to be safe and embarrassed in your struggles than silent and deadly on the inside. Beloved, if you are dealing with internal darkness, reach out to me, a friend, or a counselor. You ought to know that God loves you & you are not alone.
Lastly, I want you to know that my breakthrough...the one that I'd been dying to receive for nearly two months came the next day. And when it came, I had rest. And I knew that this alone was God's doing for me. He sees beauty in me and I am becoming His bride day by day. <3
Jesus is my all in all -darkness or light- my all in all.
Comentários