Today, it rained. It rained in the desert.
I am not sure if you have ever seen it rain in Arizona... well it doesn't happen often. Sometimes it pours for several days, while other times it pours for a millisecond, stops, and repeats. It did the latter today.
I usually love the rain, it is such a refreshment for the desert I care about. But today, I wasn't happy to see it interrupt my drive home. But in all honesty, it wasn't the rain. It was what happened before the rain began to fall.
I lost another family member today. It is the sixth family member that we have lost since 2019. The timing of the Lord is perfect, but the timing feels awful to my human heart. God, I wish this wasn't so. I wish I had more time, sit at his feet and listen. I want to listen & take his legacy and run with it while never looking back to where I stood before I heard his words of life. I want him to know, undoubtedly know that I loved him. I didn't call as much as I wanted to, I didn't express my heart towards him as much as my heart is wide. But I can no longer do these things that I've wished to do for months. My fingertips have slipped. You are beyond my grasp... and the silence has come. And it shall remain between you and me on this side of Heaven.
Grandpa Walt, I love you more than I could say. I am beyond proud to share my military service with you. I pray I make you proud, you and grandma both. I hope to love my future husband the way you undyingly loved grandma, and you took it to the grave. I hope I can learn to sacrificially appreciate your service as a civilian and service member over the years. I am in awe of the man you became & forever will be. Lord, can I take a piece of who he was? Can I become better after knowing him? Can I never be the same? Isn't that what the body of Christ does- point each other to Jesus in the present and future beyond our own living?
Sunflower & Death - Chan 2022
"My child, like a seed you are.
As you believeth in me,
you shall be fed food and water
as you bud with life like a sunflower.
But for the fall, all things,
dust you shall return
Leaving behind seeds of life
that shall bloom for years to come.
Though to dust, we return.
The believers shall live on
through the seeds, they have sown.
Warmth is felt in the hands of the Creator.
For we are no longer chaffs
that will burn."
This beloved poem reminds me of the peace, warmth, love, and softness that comes from my Jesus. Life matters. I admit there have been many times in my life that lead me to question how it all matters... but even still I pray for God to gain the glory despite the cost. He's all I ever need. And since he is here in these moments of deep pain, I know that what I gain in Christ is more than sufficient for all eternity. The loss of my Grandpa Walt is beyond my reach. And I trust that what only you can do, Jesus is perfect. It is Shalom for all who encounter the Throne Room of the Most High God. Your presence is perfect unity, love, blessing, freedom from baggage & pain- where the parallel in this fallen world has become unraveled in Heaven. What a picture of the perfection of God. And Grandpa, that is where you are along with all who bear your name beyond this world.
Jesus, only what you can do is exceedingly abundantly more than I can think or imagine, and I know that it is good. Jesus, be king. I love you greatly & forever will.
All my love,
Chloe <3
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