What will my life look like? Where have I gone wrong?
When I returned from Youth Haven, I had never been so in love with my life being spent to pour Jesus into others. I had never felt more purpose than I did then. It changed my reality, I felt like going to school had become worthless because it was about me. School hadn't changed, but I did. I had died to myself and I didn't even know it. Praise God for that divine incubator. Truth be told, I didn't go back to school.
Why? You might ask... I realized the STOP sign had been given to me for a particular reason. I had always had much favor financially in terms of my education, but Fall 2019 was different. I had received one scholarship, and would need to take two or three student loans. I considered it, it was scary. Although my dad would constantly tell me that schools loans are an investment into the future career, this felt different. I had a close friend introduce the idea of the National Guard to me, and I thought about it but I knew things would work out. I had a plan no need to go off track, even though initialing I thought joining would be pretty awesome!! In those first moments of realizing that I couldn't actually afford going to school, I was being forced into a gap year, which would force me to quit my student job, all my plans put on hold and figuring what to do with this time. Then, all those thoughts about the military were catching up to me. It was there I knew the decision had already been made for me, but I wouldn't actually do anything about it for another two months. God called me out of school.
We went on vacation to Utah that summer, it was awful. It was mostly awful because I felt like every part of me was upside down and in knots because I didn't know what to do. I couldn't imagine any part of the future which made me sad. Actually, I was sad because of the change, I knew I had a bright future- but I didn't believe it, and I knew the answer of next season but I was too scared to face it. Daring to do and be something different for the sake of Christ is the hardest and most rewarding thing we could ever do in our lifetimes. I left behind my thesis that I held in the highest regard, where I gathered all these professors for the grad school and my university to be on my board of directors- and the project that would use my childhood story to point to my future in my field of psychology. When we returned home, I was on board. Within three days, I had decided that I am enlisting into the Air National Guard at 161st refueling wing, went on leave with ASU, lost my student job at ASU, and was given a job the same day. I would miss my time there so much but I had the blessing to move forward. My boss there said she would freeze my job in case I ever did return to school, and my thesis director said that I need to live the life that is right for me, so my thesis project was also frozen. Still is.
God provided everything.
The next part was utterly painful. I basically mourned over the life I had built that God was dismantling. And it was okay. I had always firmly disliked the idea of a gap year, and now that is what I had. Although what seemed to me like a gap year, was far from that for God. And let me tell you, He has been super busy. Although, I have left my work on my thesis, my degree, my future that I was building- I have never been more delighted to follow Jesus no matter how much it hurt. And I was growing in Him, my preconceived ideas about the life I would lead were torn down but I rejoicing in the life He has given me. I had the greatest friends, travel, lots of time to process, work hard, and dream without a ceiling. And trust God with the planning. I was enlisted on September 30, 2019 into the Air National Guard. I have never had so much pride as I did on that day. The goodbyes and tears I cried were never for nothing, but they became smiles a mile wide as I considered the things I would have the honor of doing and being for my country. It is well with my soul.
The question, what will my life look like- has seemed to haunt my thought life exponentially in the last six months. I think it kept coming back because I gave it power to haunt my mind one way or another. I was so upset that my plans were turning to ashes and that God was rearranging my furniture when I spent so long arranging IN MY STRENGTH. (In my strength, will always get you hung up. watch out friends.) In the past 6 months- my plans aren't what they were, family life has been rearranged, experienced huge loss personally, cried over fears about my future, found my church home, blessed by the community numerous times, and experienced much pride in listening and obeying my Father... but guess what. God is still faithful in good and in the bad. And one single moment in His presence doing what He has called us to do is so much better than trying to build our own lives. Following Him has become enough for me, and it is there I find my sufficiency. I have realized it isn't the circumstances that define me, it alone is Jesus Christ.
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